This month, Nurture Connection celebrates the important role that fathers play in the Early Relational Health of their children. Hear more reflections from Steven Thibert (also featured in this article), a father, Steering Committee member, and Parent Leader from Nurture Connection’s Family Network Collaborative (FNC).
On the Journey to Fatherhood and ERH
“I never really expected to land in this space. . . . It’s been an interesting journey. When I learned I was gonna be a dad, I was scared. I thought I always wanted kids, but I didn’t really know how that would come about. I didn’t feel confident in my abilities.
“As a single dad, I really had to empower myself. And I learned that I can do it all. I can nurture this child in every way. Going through that journey was extremely empowering.
“I took a parenting class as part of sharing custody for my son. I learned a lot, and I loved the instructor. He focused a lot on things that now, looking back, are healthy development and infant mental health stuff — neuroplasticity and how a child’s brain develops and how a child makes emotional connections. So I was learning about Early Relational Health [ERH] and practicing it during the times that I had my kid without even knowing what it was.”
“I think the importance is getting more support and materials into fathers’ hands, so that we can empower dads to be the best dads that they can be.”
—Steven Thibert, Parent Leader, ERH Family Network Collaborative; Washington Fatherhood Council (WA State)
Becoming a Parent Leader
“Through the parenting class I was inspired to help other dads. I got connected to the Washington Fatherhood Council (WA State), which I’ve been a part of for almost four years now. And that led to becoming a parent leader with Nurture Connection’s ERH Family Network Collaborative (FNC). As a white man with no criminal record, I realize that I am very privileged compared to other dads — and even then it was a struggle, trying to get 50-50 custody of my son. And it was so traumatizing. Why can’t I have my kid half the time? I wanted to fight against that system.
“Getting involved in fatherhood work, I’ve seen how there is such a lack of support for fathers across the board. And so that’s led me to taking just about any opportunity I can get as a Parent Leader and fatherhood advocate to create more supports for fathers and spread this message that daddies can do it, too — and they should be doing it. It drives me nuts when someone says to a dad, ‘Oh, you’re babysitting this weekend.’ It’s like, No, I’m not babysitting, I’m being a dad!
“I think the importance is getting more support and materials into fathers’ hands, so that we can empower dads to be the best dads that they can be. Because they’re really not given the same tools from the start as moms.”
Shifting Social Narratives About Fatherhood
“I was brought up in a society that teaches us, as men: Don’t show your vulnerability. Don’t do this, don’t do that . . . but we’re all human beings. We feel deeply, regardless of whether you’re a man or a woman. I think everyone can benefit from developing a sense of self — of who I am — and processing my own feelings. And now as a father, I want to enlighten my son in that way. I tell my son I love him often. I teach him how to express emotions, to not bottle things up. Because as men, what happens — and the way that we’re brought up in a toxic culture and society — is that we hold emotions in. When you hold emotions in, they burst out in some way. I think that results in a lot of negativity.
“I think the narrative is shifting a bit, especially when we lead by example — showing what it truly means to be a man; to be able to handle your business and process emotions in a positive way, so they don’t come out negatively. That’s how you teach the next generation of younger men how to be a man who is a healthy individual and a healthy person.
“As a single dad, I really had to empower myself. And I learned that I can do it all. I can nurture this child in every way. Going through that journey was extremely empowering.”
—Steven Thibert, Parent Leader, ERH Family Network Collaborative; Washington Fatherhood Council (WA State)
Looking Ahead and Advocating for ERH
“We can’t control outcomes, but what we control is our inputs to these things — our actions to make change. There are so many people I’ve interacted with at the state level and even the federal level in positions of power who realize that now is the time to recognize the importance of fatherhood and Early Relational Health.
“So I think it’s just continuing to reach those who are in power. Because if we can do that, I think we can make change happen a lot faster than maybe we realize. I just try to keep the hope alive and remain optimistic. At the same time, I can only control what I can control — and what I can control is my contributions in trying to make things better for dads, for children, and ultimately, the relational health of both of them.”
Discover more: ERH in Action with Washington Fatherhood Council